Pity Party for One, Please

I had a brain tumor and 6 surgeries to remove it - and I kept a positive attitude through the entire experience. Part of me now wonders why I kept a positive attitude. I thought having a good attitude was going to help me heal more completely through my last surgery. But instead, I went crazy. I had a 12 week long psychosis where I couldn’t differentiate reality from fantasy.

It was only after the psychosis wore off when the depression really sank in. Suddenly I was left trying to figure out what was real, and what was imagined. And suddenly all of the times I kept positive seemed completely irrelevant.

So here I am two and a half months sane feeling like a shell of a person. I’m left with severe depression, a load of medical bills, and no direction with my life.

I haven’t complained, but I think I’m due.

In the summer of 2006 I gave birth to a precious baby girl.

One week later I was diagnosed with the brain tumor, and since then everything has been ripped away from me.

First I lost the dream of having it all – a family and a good job.

Then I lost my health.

I lost my ability to walk.

I lost my ability to swallow.

I lost my house.

I lost my job.

I lost my husband.

I lost my ability to care for my daughter.

I kept positive, and relearned to swallow and walk. I got a new place to live and started caring for my daughter again. Everything seemed like it was going to be okay. And then it was time for more surgery…

I lost my sanity.

I lost my friends.

I lost the faith I had in my parents ability to help me.

I lost the ability to raise my daughter – again.

When you go crazy, you truly walk through life alone.

Part of me really wants to go back to work full time so that I could start having money again. But it takes almost nothing to set me off. Today, I got a call from a medical bill collector informing me that I have a bill due from May of 2007 and I’ve since spent the entire afternoon crying and being upset.

I just don’t handle things like I used to. And I know in my heart of hearts that I need to not work full time for another year or two so that I can take the time I really need to get well mentally.

Anyway. Enough complaining.